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'My two ex-wives abused me'
Husband abuse on increase
The Caritas Family Crisis Support Centre (Bernice Ha)
By Bernice Ha
Mr.Wu (not his real name) has been married twice. However, instead of love and romance, all he got from his wives was abusive language and bruises.
His first marriage began 13 years ago. Initially it was a sweet one.
However, their relationship worsened because his wife earned more than he did. As their income gap widened, so did the rift between them.
”She became arrogant and despised me.
“She got frustrated because her workload and pressure increased. She hit me when she was depressed,” said Mr. Wu.
Because of the constant abuse, they divorced. He got married again, but his second wife also abused him.
“My second wife got pregnant accidentally. After the delivery of our first daughter, she had post-natal depression. She started abusing me,” he said.
“She woke me up when I was sleeping, shouted at me using foul language and locked me out when I returned home late.”
Yet, Mr. Wu tolerated the abuse and did not confide in anyone.
His wife became pregnant again 3 years later. She wanted to have a son badly. Mr. Wu said that when she found out she was carrying a girl, she went crazy.
She even planned to abort the child by taking drugs and making an appointment with an illegal abortionist in Shenzhen.
Fortunately, her husband found out and stopped her. He even tried to pacify her with material goods.
Mrs. Wu went further into depression after their second daughter was born, but refused to undergo any treatment.
In June 2002, she hit Mr. Wu on the forehead with a clock.
Fearing for his life, he called the police and sought help from the Caritas Family Crisis Support Centre.
Afraid of returning home, he has been living in a men’s hostel since the incident.
Mr. Wu is not alone.
According to the Social Welfare Department, the number of reported cases of husband abuse in Hong Kong has risen quarter-fold from 197 in 2001 to 247 in 2002. It shows the problem is getting worse.
Prof. Edward Chan of the Department of Social Work and Social Administration at The University of Hong Kong reckons the changing social atmosphere in Hong Kong is a contributing factor.
Said he: “Our society advocates human rights more now and this encourages abused husbands to stand out against maltreatment.”
However, the number of reported husband abuse cases is still much lower than that of reported cases of wife abuse, which was 2,787 in 2002.
The Social Welfare Department's Clinical psychologist Dr. Helen Chan explained that male victims are reluctant to report their cases because they are afraid of being sneered at.
“They feel ashamed of being abused. They believe that they will “lose face” if they report the case,” she said.
Cheng Tak Wah, project supervisor of Harmony House Third Path Men’s Service, gave another explanation for the low number of reported male abuse cases.
He said, “The provision of men’s services in Hong Kong is in its initial stage. Most of the services are offered for abused wives, whereas only a few are for men.”
Prof. Chan thinks that poor financial situation of families is an important cause of husband abuse. And the abuse leads to more family disputes.
Another contributing factor in husband abuse is the power struggle between husbands and wives.
“When a woman with a strong and rigid character marries a weaker man, the former is likely to abuse the latter,” he said.
Prof. Chan added that women sometimes try to satisfy their desires of controlling their husbands and vent their anger by using violence.
Male victims are usually abused psychologically rather than physically.
Mr. Cheng said, “It is rare to see men being hit by their wives because men are physically stronger and can protect themselves.
“Most women abuse their husbands mentally by scolding them with foul language or locking them out of their homes without a reason,” said Mr. Cheng.
Research shows the psychological burden borne by male victims is about three times more than that borne by their female victims.
Having been abused in both marriages, Mr. Wu does not want to get married a third time. He is afraid of being tortured again.
Dr. Helen Chan said, “Most male victims develop low self-esteem since they cannot fulfill their gender role.
“Male victims find it hard to face others, especially their children. They do not want their children to think that their fathers are so weak that they cannot even protect themselves.”
Family violence affects not only the victim, but also causes suffering to other family members.
Said Mr. Wu: “My wife never took care of our daughters. Instead, she shifted the burden to me.”
Adding further, he said, “I was unable to take care of them due to family violence, especially after the incident in June. As a result, both of my daughters were sent to a children’s home.”
Dr. Chan points out that the experience of witnessing family violence can distort a child’s mental development.
“They
may either become introverts or think in a radical way. They
may also think that violence is a legitimate solution to problems.”
Dr. Chan said that these children may become abusers in the future.
When the children grow up, they are likely to resemble their parents and abuse their spouses.
The problem of husband abuse arouses public attention to the importance of family education.
Prof. Edward Chan said that the public should work together with each other to prevent family violence and to create an anti-violence atmosphere.
“The media should encourage victims to speak out.
“Abusers, no matter male or female, should stop using violence to solve problems.
“They
should seek help from professionals instead,” he said.
Organizations such as the Harmony House and the Caritas Family Crisis
Support Centre provide counseling services and family education for
families.
After receiving support from the Caritas Family Crisis Support Centre, the relationship between Mr. Wu and his second wife has improved.
“We keep in contact now even though we have already separated.
“She takes our daughters home every Saturday and I play with them every Sunday,” said he.
Recalling the memories of two marriages, Mr. Wu said that communication is the most effective way to prevent family violence.
“I did not communicate enough with my wives in both marriages.
“I always pretended to be very capable and endured the pressures alone. I gave them an illusion about my ability.
“In fact, we should not force ourselves to do anything that is beyond our ability, or to tolerate any unreasonable treatments just to please our wives,” he said.
“Telling others our difficulties and feelings is the only way to solve problems.”
Mr. Wu advised that if a tragedy has already happened, victims should take the initiative to seek support from friends or professionals.
“If I had not reported my case to the police, my problems may still remain unsolved,” said he.