April 1998

Life is Melancholy

A chat with actress Esther Kwan

By Aries Poon

Having been in showbiz for eight years, Miss Esther Kwan Wing-ho deals with life in her own fashion.

In the television, she is always being portrayed as a strong woman or a boisterous wife, squarely facing her fate and difficulties ahead.

In this demanding society, being a popular actress is not as easy as paying a lip service.

She finds that everyone is entangling each other with self-interest, longing for the greatest power to achieve what to them is the most beneficial.

She said the success of a person in this industry might not necessary correlate with one's ability or own merits. "Sometimes I think he or she is not that good actually, but why and how can this guy be so popular!" said she.

Being a woman prioritizing dignity the highest, she attributed this to fate and luck. She said, "I sometimes tell myself that he or she is praiseworthy, but sometimes their success is really not based on their own merits but some external factors, such as the image design and company promotion."

She finds that she has been growing mature very fast these years, after entering showbiz.

She said, "You will find that, when one becomes popular, one may also become arrogant, in a high probability. Such class struggle sometimes depresses me very much."

Said Esther: "I have come across many different kinds of people, some are very nice, but some are really bad."

To her, the best way to look at these things is to position herself. She said, "Positioning yourself is quite difficult."

Sometimes the high rating of a drama does not mean that you are perceived as a successful or good actress, it may just because of the good story plot or the famous director behind the scene.

Besides, she has to be confident to some degree. "When someone says you are bad, I do not wholly believe in it. I have to assure myself," said she.

Esther finds that although people sometimes do not notice her, the insiders of showbiz may notice her acting quite well.

To her, her duty is fulfilled. Having met so many people: rich and poor, good and bad, she holds a quite pessimistic view towards life and human.

She keeps asking herself "Who am I?," "Why have I come to this bad world?" and "What am I doing now?"

Esther said, "Sometimes I think being an actress is a little bit meaningless and non-professional, but I also feel that not all people can qualify to be a good actress."

To her, life is fragile, short and unhappy most of the time.

"I might agree with a saying that life is short, and so just to do whatever I like at this moment," said she.

Owing to her predisposition, her emotion does not fluctuate too much even when she is in an unpleasant situation.

Said Esther: "When it is a trivial thing, it fades with time.

"But if it is a big and serious thing, I do find explanation to justify myself," said she.

When the problem could not be solved at that particular moment, I might put it aside, of course it will emerge some time later.

Up to this moment, she still cannot manage to handle a bunch of psychological knots in her heart. When a problem touches on them, she will find it the most painful.

In spite of these negative experience, she does love showbiz and regard it as her place to settle.

"It is the satisfaction that makes me stick to this industry," said she. I admit I am vane, but this is what retains me here.

She attributes vanity to a positive sense, which can stimulate a person to improve .
Before entering showbiz, she was a nine-to-five office girl.

She did not know what she really wanted to do. She took courses in bookkeeping and typing, but that was not what she wanted.

"It seemed to me I was quite noncompetitive, I am just a Form Five graduate," said she.

"Until I entered showbiz. Through her friend, she took part in a short television drama as a bit part actress, she found it very very fascinating ."

"At first, I regard it as a part-time job. Later, I watched the film review and was not satisfied with my performance," said she.

"I might just want to prove myself an able actress, and so I kept on taking pit part in drama."

She said she was not scared when first faced the camera. "I just found it fascinating, and I was curious and wanted to know more," said she.

In the future, she wants to make her name known in other parts of the world. She wants a film.

She said, "To me, television seems quite restricted and localized. Through film, people in other countries may be able to hear my name."

However, the film market is plummeting recently, so she puts this plan later in her schedule.

Anyway, it is her goal. She keeps saying it is impossible for her to compile a very
long-term planning for herself.

She said, "The world is so dynamic that things are so unpredictable. My approach is to do things step by step. "